Thought I’d be forever in the light that way, thought I would be swaying now.
The article title is lyrics from a genius yet unreleased Lorde song called “Sway”. To me, the lyrics are about the never-ending realization that you can’t live in your moments forever. By your moments, I mean the times when you feel this unbridled purpose and passion for a life you seemed to have conquered. I interpret the “swaying” as the relishing you do when these moments occur.
Do you know what I’m talking about?
Those instances where you exist outside of time due to a state of pure euphoria? When, ironically so, the present you are experiencing is everything you could ever ask for and more?
And then, the light dims, the spotlight fades, the mirrorball’s reflections are dulled, and the swaying stops. Reality.
To be honest, my descriptions don’t really do it much justice, and it's far too late at night to try. But this is something on my mind, as I have been feeling quite miserable, to put it bluntly.
A probably not imaginary quote that popped in my mind is:
“I’m real, and a woman, so why won’t you love me”.
Clearly, I’ve been a quote girl this month, something to do with the sadness of August I’m convinced every sad kid knows about. Little things have been bothering me recently. And on the topic of wishing moments would last forever, time itself (or whatever clever personification it is), has moved to the forefront of a war I’ve been fighting my whole life. Or maybe time is the war… not really sure of that one yet.
I’ve been having really horrific visions, and wishes, starring myself as this pathetically dramatic sad girl who (realistically) is not getting the things that she wants. I don’t mean to be so self-critical, nor be a magnet for pity, but god?! There’s not much I’m looking forward to living through at the moment.
I just thought I had so much more time than I actually did this summer. So many different parts of me want to place the blame on the external, but that never really gets me anywhere either. I’ve never been in great company with resentment, that’s why I’m friends with everyone. In a way every time I write out advice or forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it, it’s always a reflection of what I think I need or have always needed. I don’t mean for that to be an addition to the “stay kind and soft” agenda, but there is so much truth in that as well.
Think of it as: “I’ll forgive you not because you deserve it, or because I have to, but because I need people to forgive me too. I don’t plan to be mean, or argue in the future (hopefully not many people do), but I feel that there’s this invisible test of worthiness for life that I won’t pass, and for that I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me and the world will forgive me because I don’t think I really tried that hard or at least gave enough. And I know that enough is all that anyone asked of me.”
I’ll leave with that. Happy death day to the swaying moment, I hope you at least got to experience the gorgeous (artificial) light.
— nadia mysteria
